In my dream I met high school classmates at a church. We were talking about getting a reunion together.

If I could create anything artistic I think it would be a song, essay, poem that would inspire people to treat each other and our world with love and care.

  I broke my fast yesterday but I'm not beating myself up about it because I knew I was going to do it. People coming over to celebrate the holidays - and it's going to be like that for the next couple of weeks. I did really well during my fast and plan to fast between the mean/eating events and then after the new year gets here get back on track. 

I'm feeling good about it because I got down to a weight that pleased me and if I could do it then I can get back there again after the first. The main thing I have to watch myself for is binging. If I can just eat the meals or snacks I'll be okay it's the binging that screws me up. Then I get in the cycle of restricting and binging. 

I used a protein drink that containes 25 grams of protein and 140 calories - I have that at noon and eat a big chunk of cabbage and a carrot for dinner which fills me up. I drink carbonated water and that plan seems to work for me. I also work out.

Can't wait for the holidays to be over. I'm not going near a scale till I know for sure the number I see won't freak me out so it will probably be mid January before I weigh myself again.

My depression has been a little bit better and that helps. 

 I have been using the protein drink

My brother in law's dad just died - how I wish it were me. I know I'm so damn selfish but I do I wish it were me. I hate this living and I want to die and be gone out of all of this pain. I don't want to see any more people die. I can't handle it - the pain.

I cut but not bad enough - this is the first time I cut and felt like I wanted to keep cutting and cutting. I stopped but I want to cut and cut and cut and cut like scratching only with a razor blade. God help me. I want to cut more so bad. I thought if I wrote in here it would help but it isn't doing very much. I still have the razor blade at the ready and I'm ready to use it again and again. I want to cut deep and bleed out. 

So I'm not going to cut I'm going to scratch the hell out of my arm instead. Maybe that will give me some relief.

God loves me just the way I am
 My parents are alive and well
I have 11incredible siblings
My husband and (8)children and (8)grandchildren are incredible blessings
I have more friends than anyone like me deserves
I live in the mid west where we get to experience all four seasons
We had snow flurries the day before yesterday
We live in a nice house and neighborhood
I have a dog who has a few screws loose but I still love him
I am thankful that there are people in this world who care

 I'm so stinking angry I could scream!!! A friend of mine has has cancer four times - the last one only a few months ago. Yesterday she went in for a MRI and they found a liesion in her lung. She's only 18 - what the hell is going on? Hasn't she suffered enough?  Now they will have to do even more aggressive treatment - I can't imagine what that will be she's already had a stem cell transplant , chemo, radiation not to mention all the surgeries. She's lost all her hair. And she is one of the sweetest, most talentet people on the face of this earth.

I don't want to live in this world any more - it sucks. It just sucks. I've been very depressed this week and this is the topper. I don't think I can live through another death.

 I don't get it - are you talking about making your own clothes? That's the only do-it-yourself clothing I know of. And for those of us who don't sew we buy them already made.

 I feel like crap and have for the last several days - my anxiety level is so high I'm taking alprazalam like candy. It usually helps but not now. I don't know what's going on. My psychiatrist told me to take the alprazalam as I need it so I am - I wish it would take away the anxiety. 

I am so sick of this disease. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate everything it does to me and to the people I love. I wish I were dead - and no I'm not going to do anything but I sure wish I was gone. My kids call or come over and what can I say or do? Yesterday one of my daughters told me I looked like someone had just died. Sometimes when I'm a little stronger I can put on a "face" but not these days. My oldest son hasn't called me in ages - I think he is just as sick of this whole thing as I am and anyway he probably doesn't want to really know how I'm feeling anyway.

I've had depression most all of my life and I have crashed many times but after a time (a matter of weeks or at the most  months) I was able to get on with my life and live as "normal" as I ever did. But not this time now it's four years and counting and I don't think I'm ever going to surface. It's been so long it's hard to have any hope...don't misunderstand me I am way better than I was at first at least I don't have to be hospitalized and I haven't attempted suicide since last March. I don't think I will ever try to kill myself again because I can't do that to my family BUT how I wish I would just die. There is no joy in this life only few fleeting moments of pleasure. Jokes aren't funny to me.

And the one really wierd thing is that the world just keeps on going - keeps on moving past me while I'm trapped in this damn depression.

Does anyone caar? Is anyone reading this?

 I don't know how to post a picture so sorry you can't see it but when my kids were little I would turn them into an "Oatmeal Monster" They wore old ragged clothes and had a big hump back. I put black makeup around their eyes and honey on their face then we would stick oatmeal to the honey. It looked scary and it was fun.

 After feeling like crap for the last couple of months I have had two okay days in a row!!! I don't know how long I'll feel this way but I will take every single moment and cherish it. 

Yesterday i went to one of my granddaughter's (Ellie) piano recital and I did well - of course I took an extra alprazalam but what the heck whatever works right???!!!

I'm in my exercise clothes but don't feel like getting on the treadmill but I'll force myself to because as much as I hate it - it helps me keep my weight down. i have to exercise because I binge (although I didn't actually binge last night i just ate like a pig at supper) I hate exercise - I never get the endorphins or whatever they say people do. I never feel that "high" - it sucks. I might take the dog for a walk instead.

  I'm frustrated because i just made an entry here but since I'm new I clicked the ? on tags to see what that was all about and when I came back all of my entry was gone. That sucks.

I saw my therapist yesterday. My depression has been worse and so has my anxiety. I told him how frustrated i have been because I'm feeling so overwhelmed by almost everything. I even have trouble getting myself to shower and brush my teeth. I stand in front of the mirror and have to force myself to pick up the toothbrush...It's so hard and i feel so stupid. He told me to try to think back 6 - 9 months ago to things I couldn't do. I couldn't go into my office upstairs; I couldn't even drive past a church I used to belong to; I couldn't go anywhere alone...and other things like that. Now I can do those things. I have improved. So what's with the new crap? He isn't sure but he doesn't see it as regression. He says they are new challenges and i will have to come up with strategies to be able to do the things that are so difficult now.

It sure feels like regression to me but since I have been seeing him for over 6 years and trust him completely I guess I have to listen and try. He's always telling me to "push the envelope" and believe me I do. If I didn't I would never leave my home at all.

 Make sure you spend time looking into the consumer market in the area you are thinking about.

 I don't make homemade things anymore but if I did I would sell them on ebay.

 I don't know how this whole thing works, but I need people to talk to. It's depressing to see your "friends' listing as 0. I'm in my 50 and have had depression my whole life but anorexia for the past four years. Things are not good right now. The other night I woke up and couldn't talk or move...it has happened before but it still scares the crap out of me. After making some noises my husband finally woke up and helped me. Thankfully I didn't have to go to the hospital this time. 

Won't you be my friend?

sallycalgb2

 I'm looking for friends to talk to onl ine. I'm not sure how this whole thing works. I struggle with depression and anorexia. Anorexia is relatively new to me...four years now. I need people to talk to. I binged again last night and am going down to my treadmill to try to work off the calories when I finish writing this. I wish I wasn't here.

sallycalgb2

 We got Arni a four month old Teddy Bear puppy. At first it was fun until he started acting crazy. Everytime my son would walk up the stairs Arni would run around and around barking, jumping off furnature. No one can figure out why he acts this way but one traiiner thinks he acts that way because he is so afraid of people. Now because of his running and jumpiing like a crazy dog he has dislocated his Knee-cap several times. It started out fun but now it's not fun and it's expensive. Sallycalgb2